


Words of Regret (that remain unheard)

by despairing_rage



Series: Painful Words [3]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, Diary/Journal, Hurt, Mentioned Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Philza (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Toby Smith | Tubbo, Sad Ending, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Misses Everyone, TommyInnit Misses Toby Smith | Tubbo, spiral into insanity, tommyinnit angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:09:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 7,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28090686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/despairing_rage/pseuds/despairing_rage
Summary: Months had passed since Tommy ran away. Months of isolation.Tommy started a journal. Just to stay sane. Not because he's lonely.(This is one of two alternate endings to the book Words Left Behind (that should have been said sooner). The other ending is What Can't Be Said Outloud (but should be written anyways))
Relationships: TommyInnit & Loneliness, TommyInnit & sadness
Series: Painful Words [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045649
Comments: 104
Kudos: 415
Collections: Completed stories I've read





	1. This is stupid

**Author's Note:**

> The ramblings of Tommy's deteriorating mental state. 
> 
> As always, this only is about their personas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These entries start out very short, but get much longer as the story goes on

**Day 48 (I think)**

So this is stupid. 

I’m starting a journal. I don’t really want to, but it’s not like I have many other options. I have nobody to talk to. ~~I’m completely alone.~~

I’ve been traveling a lot. I can’t risk staying in one spot for too long, they might find me. It sucks, but I don’t have a choice.  ~~ As miserable as I am, ~~ I don’t want to die  ~~yet~~.

It’s been getting harder for me lately. There’s plenty of food and areas for shelter, but I just feel  ~~ so lonely ~~ like I’m losing my mind. So I made myself this journal. 

I get that this is stupid, but here I am doing it anyways. I’m using  ~~ Wilbur ~~ Ghostbur’s idea. Isn’t that ironic? I’m using his idea so I don’t end up like alive-Wilbur.  ~~ Maybe it’s more sad than anything else. ~~

  
I think this is making me more  ~~ sad ~~ annoyed than anything else, so I’m leaving it here. Fuck off. 


	2. I don't know why I'm doing this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depression? AWW MAN
> 
> Two chapters in one day pog (I'm just impatient and have too much pre-written)

**Day 67**

I don’t know what to do anymore. There’s not much to do ~~anymore~~. I just know that I’m really fucking sick of constantly moving. 

I’ve decided to settle for a little while. There's a nice river leading out to a big ocean, which I haven't explored yet. It’s close to a village too. It’s also not freezing cold like the last place was. ~~The cold was kinda nice when it reminded me of earlier times, but those memories taste bitter now.~~

Speaking of the village, I found out that it’s February 6th now. So that makes it 67 days since I left. I thought it would be more. ~~I~~ ~~t feels like it’s been years .~~

I don’t know why I’m so restless. I don’t even know why I’m writing in this stupid journal. It’s fucking pointless. 

I brought this up to one of the villagers and she gave me such a sad look. She asked me where I am from, and it took me a moment to decide whether or not I should tell her. For some reason, I was honest and told her I **was** from L’manberg. 

I was pretty surprised when she gave me an oddly knowing look. I wasn’t exactly expecting her to have any clue what I was talking about. She told me that she heard of it from other villages. Which, in retrospect, isn’t that surprising. Considering how much damage ~~we’ve~~ has been done. 

I don’t really care much about her hearing of it, but I do care about her telling me that she heard rumors about it. Specifically, rumors of someone being lost. I took that as my cue to hurriedly excuse myself. 

So now here I am, holed up in my shitty dirt house, writing in this stupid journal. I don’t know why I’m even doing this. It makes me more ~~upset~~ pissed off. 

  
  


Still, I can’t help but wonder what everyone is doing. They’ve surely moved on, right? It doesn’t make any sense why they’d be upset. They wanted me gone. Maybe it’s because they’re pretending that it’s my fault ~~again.~~

~~Oh fuck, why the hell am I crying?~~

  
  


...

~~I don’t want to think about this anymore. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts... I can’t keep thinking about this. I won’t last if I keep this up.~~

  
  


…

Why am I doing this? Using this stupid, good for nothing journal. I shouldn’t be complaining to a piece of paper. I shouldn’t even be feeling this way in the first place. 

  
  


I don’t even remember why ~~Wilbur~~ Ghostbur started his journal. ~~Maybe it’s because he’s trying to avoid going batshit crazy again.~~ I guess it doesn’t matter anyways. 

~~Maybe nothing matters.~~

...

No, stop being such a negative bitch. There is a point to things. Maybe not this stupid ass journal, but ~~I hope~~ I'm sure that there's something out there for me. Somewhere. 


	3. This isn't helping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why cant i word good

**Day 68**

This isn’t helping me. It’s only made everything worse. 

  
  


I can’t stop thinking about what happened yesterday. How has news of me running away made it this far? Am I not far enough? 

Maybe it’s someone else they’re talking about. Would that be better?

…

No, because that would mean someone  ~~ they care about ~~ else is gone. But if they are still looking for me… fuck. I can’t stay here. It’s not safe. Besides, the villagers would give me away if anyone asked. They’re nice and all, but they wouldn’t try to save me from  _ them. _ My former friends. 

Shit, this is stressful. Why the fuck am I writing in this instead of packing? I better not be becoming reliant on this stupid journal. 

Maybe it’s because I’m trying to distract myself.  ~~I feel stupid for this but… I miss them. I miss them a lot.~~

… Or maybe it’s because I’m lazy and irresponsible. Either way, this journal isn’t going to make me pack any faster. I get that I probably have some time, but I can’t ever be certain. 

~~ It doesn’t matter if I miss them. ~~ I can’t let them find me. I don’t even know why I’m  ~~ scared ~~ still running… I just know that I can’t stop. Not now. 

And this god damned journal is just a distraction. Actually, it’s not even that, because it makes me think about it more.  ~~ Maybe it’s good to get it out of my system ~~ I shouldn’t be thinking about this ever. 

Should I just throw this piece of junk away? Dump it into the ocean?

…

I guess part of me doesn’t want to. Maybe it’s just to prove that I can do this.  I mean, ~~nobody will know~~ it’s good for me to at least have this. I think... Probably not. Whatever. 


	4. Maybe this isn't that stupid

**Day 75 (I’ve been keeping track)**

I think I’ve realized that writing in this journal might not be as stupid as I first thought. It’s not great by any means, but it’s better than nothing. I mean, the villagers I’ve come across are no help. All they do is give me worried or confused looks. It sucks. 

At least this journal can’t judge me.  ~~These pieces of paper listen to me without giving me pity.~~

… Am I starting to go insane? I better not be. This  ~~ stupid ~~ journal would have been pointless after all. I remember people telling me that isolation is bad for you or some shit like that. Makes you lose your mind. I’m starting to wonder if they were right. I mean, look what happened to Wilbur. It’s probably worse for me, because at least Wilbur and I had each other back then… Now it’s just me. I  ~~ really don’t want to go ~~ can’t become insane. Is this journal even helping me?

  
  


I think it is, since my ramblings are getting out of my head and onto this paper. If I’m going to be stuck feeling like shit, I think I should at least lessen it a bit. Besides, if I stop feeling then the insanity can’t get to me. So this journal must be helping… ~~right?~~

  
  


I’ve started thinking of this journal as my friend. Her name is Clara, she’s a space astronaut. She’s a friend who won’t ever leave me or betray me… My only friend actually.  ~~ Also the only friend I didn’t leave behind. ~~

  
  


…

I really am starting to sound insane. Guess it’s good that all of my instability is being put here instead of rattling around in my brain. It’s better than letting anyone else hear what’s going on inside my head right now. This journal won’t go behind my back and tell people how I feel. Unless someone steals it…  ~~reads it, all of my deepest secrets and darkest thoughts~~. That won’t happen… right?  I hope it doesn’t. 

It won’t because I’ll be here to keep it safe. I’ll keep it on me at all times. Even if nothing else, I’ll have this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The insanity is already setting in :)


	5. Is this all I have left?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why can't I write

**Day 94 (approximately)**

  
  


I fucked up. I really fucked up. 

I decided to stay in another village. I didn’t know there was a pillager outpost so close by. There was a raid, a fucking raid. I almost died! 

~~I guess I’m glad I didn’t get killed, but that doesn’t mean I’m ok.~~

Everything has been ruined. The village is half destroyed. I wasn’t able to do anything… I ran like a coward. Now I’m sitting here in this shitty cave trying to figure out what to do.

Most of my stuff is either broken or missing, I only have my pickaxe, this journal, and the compass I made before leaving. 

So here I am, trapped in this tiny cave and wondering if it’s even safe for me to leave. Fuck, I’m sitting here writing in this god damned journal because  _ what else am I supposed to do _ ?

  
  


I wish this didn’t happen. I wish I could be  ~~ home ~~ away from this. 

As soon as I think it’s safe I’m leaving. I can’t ever come back to this village. How could I? I know they all blame me. After all, I  ~~ couldn’t do anything ~~ didn’t help. If those iron golems weren’t there I would be dead too. 

  
  


Still, even though I’m alive doesn’t mean it’s ok. I have no tools, no materials ~~,~~ ~~and certainly no pride.~~

  
  


I have this journal and the stupid compass that I should have already gotten rid of. Of all of the things to not get lost, it just had to be the compass.

I don’t have much to work with here. It’s not like this journal will defend me. My pickaxe is about to break. And the compass is of no use to me, considering  ~~ I’m never going ~~ I can’t go back. 

  
  


…

Is this really all I have left?


	6. It's hard, being so alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor dude is going a bit insane huh

**Day 115-ish (maybe)**

  
  


I hate this. It’s always cold, everything is dead, and I’m alone. I haven’t even seen a village for at least two weeks. I keep walking and walking, but it’s all the same. 

Cold as fuck and barren.  ~~ Lifeless. ~~

  
  


It’s just me out here. Nobody else is here for me.

~~ Even this journal isn’t my friend anymore. Clara isn’t real. There is no space astronaut for me in these stupid pages.  ~~ ~~Thinking that I had anyone on my side was stupid.~~

It fucking sucks. I hate this.  I don’t want to be alone. I have to just keep moving. If I don’t I’ll just die in this god damned wasteland. Completely alone. 

Nobody would even know I died.  ~~ Not that they would have cared in the first place… ~~

  
  


Fuck, I think being alone has been ~~getting to me~~ driving me insane. Every time I sleep I keep hearing them speaking to me. They lie to me, telling me they miss me and want me to go ‘home’. ~~As if that place was ever home to me.~~ They whisper apologies and beg me to return to them. It’s all just a siren call. A trap my stupid brain is making. 

I know I can’t listen to ~~them~~ the voices. My mind is just trying to trick me. The real people would never want me back there. I don’t know why my thoughts are trying to tell me otherwise. 

…

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I was hoping leaving would make things easier. But I was fucking wrong. Stupid. At least when I was there I wasn’t alone. Sure, everyone hated me. But at least it wasn’t just me…

I didn’t think being so alone would be this hard. 


	7. I think this is it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip

**Day 130-ish (probably)**

  
  


I can’t use this stupid journal anymore. All it does is make me  ~~ cry ~~ pissed off.

~~ I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this ~~

I’m so fucking sick of this shitty journal. A waste of paper, a waste of my time. I should never have done any of this.  ~~ I shouldn’t have fled like a coward, I should have just accepted what was coming. ~~

… 

I better not cave in and start using this dumb journal again. I can’t afford any distractions. 

  
  


After all, how could I fight off their voices if I’m too busy writing all this bullshit? That’s right, I can’t. I won’t be able to block out their lies.

~~ Clara isn’t real, and she can’t protect me. ~~

  
  


…

I’ve decided I won’t throw this away… even though I ~~probably~~ should. It just feels wrong, if that makes any sense. Well, it doesn’t… besides, it doesn’t matter if anyone else understands, this is just for me. Nobody else can read this.  ~~ They can’t they can’t they can’t ~~

  
  


…

If I’m going insane, I at least don’t want to be reminded of it. Reading my past entries is, well, starting to make me think that I’m going off the deep end. That isn’t true, is it? No, no it’s surely not. It’s just another figment of my imagination is all. Yeah, that’s all it is.  That has to be all it is.

  
  
  


Still, I don’t want to keep using this journal. I’ll still have it with me as I travel and all… but I don’t want to ever use it again. 

So, I think this is it. Goodbye ~~(?)~~


	8. I've decided to continue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, a (very very short) break from the insanity

**Day 197 (if I can do math)**

  
  


I can’t believe I’m writing in this journal again. Well… I actually can.  ~~ I’m not the most strong willed after all. ~~ But shut up. 

I’m in another village. This time I checked to make sure there aren’t any pillager posts nearby. (there aren’t, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.)

Looking back at my past entries, I really was going batshit. Good thing I’ve been able to stop at a few villages. It’s also not freezing cold anymore. Which is good. 

I remembered to ask the date from the current village I’m staying at. It’s June 10th. I’m not the best at math, but I am pretty sure that means it’s been 197 days. Which is… quite a lot.  ~~ It’s scary. ~~

I think that not talking to anyone did a lot to hurt my mental state. At least I can actually see people again. It’s really done wonders to make me not go completely off the deep end. ~~ If not for these villages I’d surely have gone insane by now. ~~

Man, reading my past entries is disturbing as fuck. Seriously, what the hell? I barely even remember writing those. 

I remember hearing voices at one point, but those are long gone. It’s just me, myself, and I in my brain now.  ~~ At least I’m steering away from being Techno or Wilbur. ~~

Overall, I finally don’t feel like shit every fucking day. I think that I’ll try to keep writing in this journal again. You know, to prevent me from going insane again. I won’t be writing every day because fuck that, but whatever. ~~I'm trying my best, ok?~~


	9. I wish none of this happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand heading back into the insanity

**Day 201**

I fucking hate this. ~~It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair~~

I know it’s all my fucking fault but I still hate it. Why did it have to be me? … ~~Do I really deserve this?~~

I have nobody to turn to. The villagers are at least mildly scared of me… which makes sense. Who wouldn’t be scared of my ~~half~~ insane ramblings? ~~I sure was scared by Wilbur’s in that god damned ravine.~~

~~I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this~~

Fucking hell, am I really this weak? Sitting here in this shitty house, if you could even call it that, ranting to this stupid journal.

…

I’ve decided that Clara is in fact real. Why else would I still want to write in this journal? I ~~don’t want to~~ can’t leave her behind ~~like everyone else .~~

She’s my only friend. And it’s not like she can even do anything useful. She can’t reassure me, she can’t help me, and she can’t do anything but listen to me complaining. ~~She isn’t Tubbo.~~

  
  


…

I’m sorry Clara. You don’t deserve to be put down like that. It’s not your fault. I don’t know if you’re even real anymore… but if you are, you don’t deserve the treatment I’ve been giving you. 

Fuck, I’m sorry. ~~I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry~~

  
  


I should never have done any of this. I shouldn’t have run like a fucking coward. I shouldn’t have cared so much about the discs. I shouldn’t have been such a useless fucking burden. 

~~Maybe~~ none of this shit would have happened. Really though, I know it's all my fault. ~~It's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault~~

...I just wish none of this happened. But that's too much to ask for, isn't it? 

  
  



	10. It'd be nice if I didn't remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this oof

**Day 203**

I can’t stop thinking about what happened. Everything just keeps playing in my mind, ~~over and over and over and over and over and~~

All of the things I could have done differently… all of the shit I should never have done. It all echoes in my skull. Every time I try to sleep I feel it digging into me. Setting its claws into my brain. ~~Deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper~~

I can’t even do anything to stop it. ~~I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t~~

I shut my eyes and I hear their fucking voices. Shit, I think I’m making steps backwards. Am I going insane again? No, no I know that the voices are fake so it’s fine. It’s fine. ~~It’s fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine~~

I hear Eret and Wilbur saying ‘it was never meant to be’. ~~Those bastards.~~

It sounds like Techno screaming ‘then die like one!’ ~~I fucking know I’m not a hero Techno, stop rubbing it in.~~

Niki, Phil, and Ranboo keep asking me to go back. ~~They’re trying to trick me.~~

So many other voices shout out at me all the time. They tell me that they miss me. That they’re _sorry._

They’re all fucking lying. ~~They~~ My brain is just trying to mess with me. To make me go insane. 

  
  


Fuck, none of this would be happening if it wasn’t for these stupid memories. I want them to go away. ~~Go away go away go away go away go away~~

  
  


…

I don’t want to go insane. I don’t want any of this to happen. Is there anything Clara or I can do about it? ~~I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know~~

Would this even be happening if I didn’t remember? ~~The voices~~ My brain wouldn’t be able to ~~hurt me~~ drive me insane anymore

  
  


…

I think it’d be quite nice to forget.


	11. I wonder what it's like to fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is a bit of an oof

**Day 207**

I’m not staying at the village anymore. Yeah, I’ll be alone again. But who cares? I have Clara!

I just couldn’t take the looks the villagers would all give me. They must be so glad that I’m gone.  ~~ They hate me they hate me they hate me they ~~

… But anyways, I found an abandoned portal today. The chest even had enough obsidian to complete it. I really wanted to open the portal… but I think that it’s a bad idea. I am not prepared to go to the nether. 

Still, I wish I could go. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so cold anymore. 

…

It’s pretty fucking stupid how cold I am. I’m not even in a tundra… I’m just fucking freezing and I don’t know why. It sucks. Clara can’t make me less cold… I don’t think anything really can. Well, except for the nether. Which is why I want to go so bad. 

I can’t stop thinking about the lava. How warm it must be. I certainly wouldn’t be cold if I fell into it. I’m sure it would hurt… but only for a few seconds. Then it would be warm, right? Yeah, surely.  ~~ I hope it is. ~~ But I can’t go. So whatever. 

  
  


…

What am I saying? I  ~~ don’t want to ~~ shouldn’t even think about falling into lava. I think I’m on my last death… I guess it’s hard to remember. Of course it’s my luck that I’m starting to forget the important shit, not what I want to forget. 

I’m such an idiot.  ~~ Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid ~~

  
  


… I can’t help it. I want to be warm again. Is that so much to ask for?  I don’t deserve it. ~~I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t~~

  
  


...

Why am I doing this? Fantasizing about lava. That’s so fucking pathetic. ~~I don’t want to die.~~

  
  


I guess I don’t even know if the lava would make me warm. Would I only feel it for a few seconds? 

Is it even worth it…? Just a few seconds of warmth… it must be worth it, right?  ~~ Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong ~~

  
  


…

I can't help but wonder what it’s like. 

  
  



	12. I hope I'm not going insane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oofles
> 
> This one was poorly edited, if you can't tell. Well, worse than usual that is

**Day 213**

I shouldn’t have left the village.  ~~ Stupid stupid stupid stupid ~~

You’d think that I would’ve known how bad the isolation is. Since I was  ~~ going batshit insane ~~ starting to lose my mind before staying in the villages again. 

But no, I’m just so fucking stupid that I couldn’t deal with  ~~ their hatred ~~ them not liking me. I should be used to it. It shouldn’t even bother me. ~~After all, nobody liked me in L’manberg.~~

Fuck, I’m such an idiot. 

And it’s not like I can go back there. They would hate me even more.  ~~I know it shouldn’t even upset me~~ I fucked up and I can’t fix it this time. Not that I’ve ever been able to fix  ~~ anything I ruined ~~ any of my mistakes

~~ I’m scared ~~ I hate this. I hate that I’m hearing their stupid fucking voices. They all lie to me. My mind is playing tricks on me, and I can’t even do anything about it. I don’t know why I can’t just shake it off. 

~~ Clara, can you help me? Please... I need help. I have nobody to turn to except you. ~~

… Clara, are you even real? I like to think that you are… but at the same time, that does seem like something  ~~ Wilbur would’ve said ~~ a crazy person would say. I’m not like that, right?  ~~ I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know ~~

Sometimes I think I hear you speaking to me. But unlike the other voices, you don’t lie to me… ~~I hope.~~

You tell me to keep writing. That you are here for me. And I think that you’re right.  ~~ You’re so much smarter than me. I don’t know anything. ~~

  
  


…

What am I doing? This journal is just a shitty book I made. It’s just me rambling… it’s a document,  ~~ a record of my growing insanity. ~~

  
  


No, I’m not going insane.  Not yet. I know reality from illusions. I’m not Wilbur.  ~~ I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not ~~

… These entries aren’t just me losing my mind. Surely not. They can’t be. I'm not losing my mind.

I know that the voices I hear aren't real. That means that I'm not insane ~~yet.~~

  
  


… 

...

I hope.


	13. Maybe I'm starting to lose it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet, two chapters in one day pog (to make up for the days missed)

**Maybe around day 230? Whatever.**

  
  


~~ Clara, please help me. I can’t keep doing this. Everyone’s voices are getting louder. They’re starting to drown out what you’re trying to tell me.  ~~

I’m fucking scared I hate looking at all of these stupid entries.  ~~ If I’m going insane, at the very least I don’t want to have to think about it. ~~

It’s all so stupid. This journal is stupid. (I’m not calling you stupid Clara. Just the journal…  ~~ Does that even make sense? ~~ )

I shouldn’t have started writing. It’s all pointless. All it’s done is make me fucking  _ worse _ . What the hell was I even thinking…?

  
  


…

There are so many things I never should have done. So many things I didn’t think through. And I know it’s my fault for being so reckless, but it still  ~~ hurts ~~ pisses me off.  ~~ It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts ~~

  
  


I wish I never left. I wish I didn’t break the  stupid discs. I just… I wish none of this happened. I want to go back to before the first war. Or maybe after… I don’t really remember  if when I was happy. I guess I’m starting to forget some stuff… is that bad?  ~~ I can’t remember I can’t remember I can’t remember I can’t remember  **why can’t I remember** ? ~~

  
  


I can’t stop thinking back to what happened. Maybe I’m just trying to cling to the memories. You know,  for when if I forget them. Maybe some would call it ‘trauma’. But that isn’t me. I’m a big strong man, so I don’t care.  ~~ I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t…  **Why do I care?** ~~

  
  


All of that bullshit aside, I started this entry so I can complain about my current mental state or whatever. This entry hasn’t been going so great. I’ve been going off on a lot of tangents lately…

  
  


Fuck, that’s literally another tangent. Ok Tommy, stay on track. Focus. 

I guess I’ll list the shit I know is just my stupid mind playing tricks on me. So I don’t forget. As long as I know fact from fiction I’m still sane.  ~~ I have to be. ~~

**What is fake:**

-The stupid voices

- ~~ Nightmares  ~~ Less than ideal dreams  ~~ Big men don’t get nightmares ~~

-Fake memories

-The weird shit I keep seeing in the corner of my eye

**What is real:**

-Everyone fucking hates me

-I can’t ever go back

-I can’t handle being around anyone  but can’t be alone

-I don’t have many resources

-It’s cold,  ~~ and the nether seems so warm ~~

-Clara is real, and she is always here to listen to me

No matter what, I have to remember those things. I have to.  ~~Please, just let me remember~~.

…

Is it a bad sign that I had to write that shit? …I guess I don’t know. But it’s not that bad. ~~I’m still fine.~~ ~~ I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine ~~

…

Maybe I really am starting to lose it. 


	14. Has it really come to this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes man

**I’ve stopped counting days**

  
  


I have decided that I am not going insane.  ~~ At least not yet ~~ ~~.~~ I’m fine. 

Well, looking back at my earlier entries makes me think that I was… but now I’m fine.  ~~ It’s fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine ~~

~~ Is this just a brief moment of clarity? Calm before the storm? … It better not be. I’m fine. ~~

  
  


I am fine. Perfectly fine. No insanity here. My logic is sound, my mind has stopped playing tricks on me. I’m fine. 

... But still, the more I write the more I’m getting pissed off. Just like when I first started… But at least this time I know that Clara is here for me. She’s here for me. So it’s fine. I’m fine. 

…

I  ~~ can’t believe ~~ wish I wasn’t stuck in this stupid cave, writing in the stupid journal about my stupid thoughts.  ~~ Telling ~~ Reminding myself that I’m fine… At least I can hear Clara’s voice reassure me. She keeps telling me that I’ll be ok. I like to think that she’s being honest  ~~ unlike the other voices. ~~

I just have to remember that I’m not insane. I  ~~ hopefully ~~ won’t ever be. As long as I know what is real and what is fake I’ll be fine. I’m fine. 

…

Has it really come to this?  ~~ I’m just trying to convince myself I’m fine when it’s pretty fucking obvious I’m not. Am I just waiting in the ‘eye of the storm’? Waiting until I go back to being insane? ~~

I hate this.  ~~ I don’t think I’m ok. ~~

I’m sorry Clara. Please don't leave. You're all I have left. ~~I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry~~


	15. Please come back Clara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big dip into insanity in this one, f in the chat
> 
> this one is short, oofles

**I don’t care for days anymore**

  
  


I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what is real and what is just an illusion. My past entries aren’t making any sense. ~~I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’t understand **Why don’t I understand?** ~~

Clara, why aren’t you helping me? What have I done? Have you given up on me? Please Clara, help me. I haven’t given up on you, so why are you abandoning me? ~~Please please ple~~

… I think that I need someone new. Someone other than Clara. Clara doesn’t care about me anymore. Please Clara, start to care again. I need your help. ~~I need it I need it I need it I need it~~

Fuck, I’m sorry Clara. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t even know if I’m **me** anymore. I can’t be the same Tommy that I once was. He doesn’t exist anymore. He doesn’t. ~~But… does that mean I don’t either? Why can't I tell?~~

  
  


I thought that it was me and Clara, the two of us against the world. But now I think it’s just me… or is it just Clara? Because surely I’m not real. Not anymore. 

  
  


Maybe this would all go away if I had somebody on my side. If I wasn’t alone I might start to exist again. I would never be _Tommy_ , but I would be somebody... Right? ~~I would I would I would I would I would~~

I need somebody, anybody. Clara doesn’t want me anymore. And I don’t know **why**. I don’t know what I did wrong. Why can’t you just tell me Clara? Why can’t you come back to me?

Don’t you understand Clara? I’m nothing without you. I won’t be anything if you don’t return. 

…

Please, I’m begging you, just come back.


	16. I still exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> f in the chat

**Keeping track of days is stupid**

  
  


I’ll be honest, I don’t even know what I was on about in my last entry. Of course I’m real. I’m right here. Writing in this journal. Man, it was pretty dumb of me to be all ‘Clara left me’ and ‘I don’t exist’. 

Clara is right here! 

Maybe I was just really tired. I think that was it. That has to be it. That’s all it was. I haven’t gone insane. 

I mean, I  know I was guess I might have been going insane. But I’m better now, no more of that stupid ‘Clara doesn’t care for me’ bullshit. I know that she’s still here for me! So it’s ok. I don’t need a new person, not when Clara is right here! I even have the others to keep me company! Sure, I can only hear their voices… but that’s alright. I know that they won’t leave me, so I’ll never be alone again! ~~…~~ ~~ Even though they still lie to me. They’re all liars. Liars liars liars liars liars ~~

I get that what they’re saying  is just what I want to believe isn’t real, but at least they haven’t left me.  Although I guess that it was me that left the people behind in the first place…

…

Sometimes, in my  ~~ nightmares ~~ dreams, I never left them. I was still there. Of course, that wasn’t a good thing. Obviously, since everyone hated me. I’m glad I always wake up. I am so much better off with Clara and their voices.  ~~I know that the voices are all liars… but it’s nice to hear them and pretend that it’s true.~~

  
  
  


…

I think the main takeaway here is that I’m not alone anymore. I won’t ever be. Not with Clara and the voices.  ~~ Please **don’t leave me** please please please please ~~ Oh, and another thing is that my last entry was dumb. I still exist. I’m real. How could I hear the voices otherwise? How would I always feel cold if I was nothing? That’s right, I wouldn’t. See, I’m  ~~ so smart  ~~ not insane!

  
  
...

Damn, this is short as hell. I'll have to write more in my next entry. 


	17. Why is this happening to me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a split personality thing, just Tommy arguing with his inner self / true thoughts

**Days are nothing now**

Please make it stop. Everything. Just stop. ~~Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone **why can't I just be alone?**~~

Clara please make it better. Make everything ok again. Make the voices leave me alone. I don't want to hear them anymore, they all lie to me. I don't even know if it's really them or not. I don't think it is... but it's hard for me to tell. 

But I swear I'm not going insane. I can't be. ~~I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't~~

So what if I'm starting to lose my grip? That doesn't mean anything. It means nothing. I'm fine.

...

~~So why am I not certain if the voices are fake anymore?~~

I was looking back at one of my past entries and... well, it's really starting to make me question things. The list I made doesn't make any sense... I think that I must be starting to confuse reality with illusion. No, that can't be true... ~~please don't let it be true.~~

I read my first entry. Then reread it. Then reread it again. I kept rereading it until my eyes were too sore and my vision was blurry. ~~I didn't even realize I had starting crying until I saw my tears hitting the page~~. Pretty fucking stupid I know. 

I read through some of my other entries... and, to be honest, I think that I really am fucked. I'm so fucked. I've messed up. And I don't know how to fix it... ~~I don't think there's any way for me to fix it. It's fucking pointless trying to make it better.~~

Clara, why didn't you tell me? Why have you been letting me go insane? ~~Please, I'm scared~~. I don't want to be insane... maybe you've been lying to me all along. 

Maybe you aren't even real.

~~... Of course she isn't real. She isn't real. This is just a stupid journal. Worthless pages covered with messy ink and dried tears. Why did I think she was real? Is it because I've truly gone insane? The voices aren't fucking real. None of them are real. It's all illusions. Fuck, how could I think that anything is real? I'm insane. I've gone insane. It's all fucking lost and this stupid journal is useless and Clara isn't real and fuck this bullshit.~~

...

What? Why did that thought even cross my mind? I haven't gone insane. How could I with Clara by my side? Maybe that entry was just a moment of insanity. Yes, that has to be it. Just a brief moment of delusion. 

~~... No, what am I talking about? I've gone insane. It's over. And I can't fix it, I'm too far gone and it's all because of my stupid decisions and this stupid journal. All of these journals are proof of it. Proof of my spiral into insanity.~~

That can't be right. Why do those thoughts keep coming back? It doesn't make sense... I'm perfectly fine. Not insane. It's ok. Everything will get better soon, ~~because fuck you universe I'm doing great~~ it has to. It will. I can feel it. I just have to wait. 

~~It's not going to get better. That should be fucking obvious. Look at what I've become. I'm a maniac, completely and hopelessly insane. Every waking moment it's getting worse.~~

If I take it one day at a time surely it'll all go away. I'll be ok again. No more insanity. 

~~No no no no no no no **please no I can't do this**~~

I'm fine. 

~~No I'm not fine none of this is fine I'm insane and only getting worse, but I can't stop the stray thoughts telling me that I'm not. That I'm not delusional and that everything will be ok. But now I'm starting to realize the truth. But only for a few moments at a time? Why can't I just stay sane?~~

~~...~~

~~Why is this happening to me?~~


	18. It's time to let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it's important to remind y'all that this is the bad ending... yeah
> 
> also haha this chapter is a yikes. Not bc of feels, bc of my bad writing oop-

**Keeping track of days was fucking stupid since they don't mean shit**

...

I can't continue like this. I'm sorry Clara, but I don't even know if you're real. I want to say that you are, but lately all of the voices in my head have been telling me you're not. I know that they lied to me in the past... but that's changed. 

They don't pretend that they're sorry or they want me back. They have finally stopped trying to trick me; they're telling the truth this time. 

The voices tell me that everyone hates me. Everyone has moved on... ~~Even... no, especially Tubbo... I hear his voice the most now, and all he says is that he's glad I'm gone.~~

~~It's so stupid of me to keep trying to move on when I know I never will~~

Shouldn't I be happy? I don't want them to suffer, so it's good that they're all better without me... ~~but it still fucking hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts~~

I remember when I wished the voices would stop lying to me. But now that they're being honest, I wish it could go back to the way it was. As much as I hate to admit it, ~~at least back then I was able to pretend that it was true~~ the voices were l ~~ess painful~~ better when they told me the things I wanted to hear. Now even they left me. 

I don't think I deserve this. ~~Even though I've fucked up so many times... I know it's my fault, but I still think that this is unfair.~~ It's all unfair. Why should I have to suffer like this? It's not like there's even anything I can do to fix this. I can't fix my past mistakes.

~~...~~

~~Clara, (and the stupid voices in my head) please listen to me. It doesn't even have to be for long. Just enough for me to say what I've been needing to say.~~

~~I know I'm not a good person. Trust me, I know. But... I'm not heartless. I'm not heartless. I'm not.~~

~~... So I think that it's really unfair that I'm being treated like this. If not by you, then by the entire universe. There isn't a single person on my side any more.~~

... Once again, I read my past entries. Over and Over. Another mistake to add to the list. I would have kept rereading them ~~for hours like I used to~~ , but I decided to write ~~one last~~ this entry. 

I guess it's good I am, because I'm having a moment of somewhat clarity writing this. The only time I ever feel like I haven't gone batshit insane is when I'm writing in this stupid journal... but then again, maybe that's a bad thing. Because it fucking hurts to be sane. It is so much better when I can't understand what's around me. I know that it's fucking stupid and terrible, but I wish I could just be fully insane already. I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. 

I could finally stop remembering all of the pain. All of it would just disappear. Wouldn't that be nice?

...

I think it would be. It has to be... it's my only option. I can't just keep cycling between somewhat sanity to full out craziness. It hurts too much. ~~It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts~~

~~What am I talking about? I don't want to go insane, I don't want to lose myself. Even if it's too late, please I can't just give up. Why is this happening to me? I'm scared, the longer I keep existing like this the more I won't be myself. I won't be anyone. I can't give in I can't give in I can't give in I can't I can't I can't I can't~~

See, I would have to deal with these intrusive thoughts if I just let go I could finally rest. Please, let me rest. I'm so tired all the time. I'm cold and miserable. There's no reason for me to keep trying to achieve an impossible goal. 

~~...So why is my mind not letting me give in?~~

It doesn't matter. It doesn't I have to stop this. ~~Please just let me stop it make it stop make it stop make it stop~~

...

I think it's time for me to finally let go. 


	19. Now I'll say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Death / Suicidal thoughts (not by suicide but there are strong suicidal thoughts)
> 
> Would anyone want one more chapter for this story? I have an idea, but idk if anyone would even be interested. Also, sorry for not updating sooner :(
> 
> EDIT: The follow up to this fic!!!! - https://archiveofourown.org/works/28942572
> 
> I just saw that Gay_Gay_Gay bookmarked this and I just???? Am so honored???? Tysm

**I don't know what day it is, only that it is my last in this stupid journal**

Clara what have I done wrong? I ~~just want~~ need to know what I've done... p ~~lease please please please please please please **I can't do this anymore**~~

~~She hates me she hates me she hates me she hates me **everyone fucking hates me**~~

I don't want this to happen but there's nothing I can do to stop it. ~~I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared~~

Maybe past-me would have been able to put up a fight, but I'm not him. I'm not even Tommy anymore. I'm nothing. I don't know if I'm real.

But I know that soon I won't be. Soon I can be free. It can all be over.

I finally won't have to deal with any of these stupid voices. Or even you Clara. I'll have peace in my own mind. Just complete silence. Finally alone. ~~Alone alone alone alone alone **I've been alone this whole time**~~

... Just so you know, I won't be missing you. Any of you. Not the stupid voices, not the memories of the people I thought I loved, and certainly not you Clara. ~~Though, I suppose that even if I would have missed anyone I won't be around to feel too sad about it.~~

...

I've decided to go to the nether... so that's where I am now. Maybe it was a stupid idea... but I'm just so tired of the cold. ~~I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it **I can't fucking handle it anymore**~~

At least I'm finally warm. I wonder why I ever hated the nether... it's so warm. 

~~I suppose it's a nice place to die.~~

... I think that I should leave this journal here. I don't even need it anymore. Besides, there's only a few pages left. ~~Maybe I should have made it bigger~~ So it's a sign that this journal was stupid. 

...

I guess everything seems stupid looking back. All of the war, betrayal, suffering... it really isn't fair is it? I know it's my fault but that ~~doesn't make it hurt any less~~ isn't something I want to think about right now. ~~My final moments shouldn't be spent thinking about my shitty life~~ I should be at least trying to think about my happy memories... I guess it's a shame that they've all faded. It's so hard to remember now. And even the small bits and pieces that remain have been infected with all of the bad.

... I hate it. ~~I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it **why is this happening to me?** I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this **I can't fucking do this**~~

...

Oh, there's a ghast over there... I wonder what it feels like to be hit by one? It must be even warmer. Maybe not as hot as the lava... but I'm sure it'd be good enough... Maybe I should just call it over. Yeah, that'd be nice...

No, I can't do that. I just have to leave this journal (and the compass I shouldn't have held on to...) here and go back to the overworld. I can't keep thinking like that. Otherwise everything will be over. ~~It's over it's over it's over it's over it's over **why can't it just be over already?**~~

...

Goodbye Clara, if you were even real. I'll put this journal and my broken compass down in a safe spot so it doesn't get destroyed. If I start writing again, that'll mean I failed. I hope it doesn't happen, but I've never been strong. 

So, this is goodbye. This doesn't feel quite right to me I guess... but in the end, it it's really the only option.

Maybe I should feel sad that I'm throwing this away. With this, I'm going to lose everything. I'm getting rid of the memories of everything I worked for, all of the memories that made me Tommy. But then again, those memories are tainted. 

After all, everything I fought for is gone now. I'll never see my country again. I'll never see anyone again. Everything I loved, everything I sacrificed so much for... gone. Maybe it doesn't matter. Yes, none of this matters. None of it is worth anything to me anymore. 

...

I guess it was never meant to b----

* * *

_< TommyInnit> was burnt to a crisp whilst fighting ghast_

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Twitter:  
> https://twitter.com/despairing_rage
> 
> Tumblr:  
> https://despairing-rage.tumblr.com/  
> https://let-me-be-cryptid.tumblr.com/
> 
> My new discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/v9BRtNQY8g


End file.
